Greetings to the Twenty-second year of my life,

I admit I have not been eager for your coming. Yet here you are; you have left your gray shawl at my door and the coolness of Lady Spring's affections in your wake. Tis a fine month for you to come, nevertheless this annual visit is not as it once appeared to be in the fantasies of younger days. Pray tell me, how will you fare this year? I would welcome a stirring affair or two, a fancy to pass the time. Adventure is a welcome companion; please invite him to all our jaunts as we go to and fro through the days. I beg thee, please, let our harvests reap more joy than sorrow this year. Let our stroll be steady on the narrow path we trod. Indeed, and let even our fellowship with others be merry. Let our steps be light and eyes open to splendor. I do not wish another year to pass like shadows in the night. Come, dear Twenty-two, let us rejoice in the Lord and be blessed.

I thank you kindly for your visit, and all that it may bring.

Yours sincerely,

M.E.S.

My dreams unraveled one day
As they fell to the floor.
They glimmered, they sparkled
Like rays of colored light
Yet I couldn't hold them
They always escaped my grasp;
And as I grew older
I began to realize...
My dreams never came true.

Fairy tales were dusty pages
In a book, on the shelf of my life;
Girlhood fantasies
Were only childish whims.

My dreams unraveled,
Across the floor,
And I swore to myself--
'I will dream no more.'

I shouldn't be here. I think it goes against my 'isolated-from-the-world-as-I-pray-for-answers-and-seek-the-Lord-for-two-weeks' thing. I am home alone during the day for the next four days. I haven't really been in a quiet environment till today because my family was constantly around. Mom with her wisdom and Ben and Dad with their craziness. I love both of those things, and I needed both. Wisdom to remind me what I'm looking for... craziness to distract me when I just want to curl up in bed and hide. Right?

I'm going mad. My soul is so restless that its constant banging around inside me is making my skin bruise. (What? I do have random bruises! Of course, they could be from just running into the wall again...)

GOD, where are you now?

I want to run. I'd like to run toward Alex's house and have him hold me still for a while. But then again, I'd like to run away from town and see how far I can get before I collaspe. Be still? Be still?! God, God, I am a storm. I am a raging sea. I am an earthquake. It's hard to hear You whisper. Should I go hide in a cave atop a mountain? Will You find me there? But You are already here, aren't You. You already found me, I was never lost to You. I am just lost to myself. I am seeking what I already have here with me. Insane.

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT

Oh, that's funny. Tobymac is playing. "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul." Mm.

I HEAR YOU.... i hear you...

Lord, only You can give me the peace I so need right now. Please calm this restless soul, soften my stubborn heart, and clear out this cluttered mind. I need You. Oh Lord, You know I love You and want You and desire to be closer to You. I know I belong to You. Please forgive me for being so disobedient lately..... and for throwing that shoe at You the other day when I lost my temper...Irish, y'know. I just want to do Your will and have peace about it. I've lived the whole summer for myself. I've put everything and anything above You because I didn't want to face You. Wow, what a deep hole I've dug. Lord, pull me out. Is it not too late to start again? I want to be satisfied in You, You alone.

You are my truest love.

You are all I need.

You are good

and worthy of praise

despite my circumstance.

I've been so selfish. How have I served You? So much time is lost. I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry. It just hurts so much... shattering into a million pieces... my heart has broken and my life is pouring at Your feet.

Take me, Lord. Take me back. I am Yours.

Redeem my life from the pit

Satisfy me with good

so I'm renewed

(psalm 103)